Mother Dearest

 I never knew of hugs

or bosoms of comfort

I never felt your hands

caressing my strong kinky hair

But I knew of your words

Unkind and cruel that haunted me like a ghost

I knew I was ugly and was not much

I knew I would find the home in chaos

with screams and pain

in my eyes and in my soul

I knew I never had a home

so I would search forever for one

Mother Dearest

now you try to hug me when we meet

but I never knew how it felt to hug you and I cannot do that now

Now you wish to laugh and talk with me

but mother your words and your deeds belie your nonsense chatter

you are the pain that seeks the multitude in my destruction

like the two-faced Janus 

I can never trust

I sought you when I came of age

away and safe from your rage to find out why

But you would not tell me why a girl 

could not find safety in her mother's arms

when I sought your face from the turbulent

storms, you laughed in delight for you thought 

my end was near

Now you hobble in age and you pray 

for all will be well

while I still search for the warmth I never had